My Blue Angel -
Today was Valentine's Day. Normally, I would make you breakfast or something fun and give you kisses and you would laugh, especially with your eyes and probably grumble. LOL. I know we didn't really celebrate that kind of thing, not really needing an excuse for our love. This one bites.
I made a video tribute for you. I am working on this medical gaslighting thing. Who the fuck knew there was a name for this shit? This world hurts so badly.
I need help. I am not doing so well my love. I try everyday but I am so empty sometimes. Like right now.
I am hanging on for my mom and Freya. Part of me is hanging on for me too, and you. I just spin around in my world, like a top.
I started writing an Amicus Brief. I started the Faerie Tales, the website, the blogs. I am doing our plan D. Plans A to C, well something fucked them all up. Plan A - you are well aware of as it was yours and I was only privileged to help you try and finish it up. What brilliant work you did, all on your own, fighting all the shit you were fighting all alone down in Florida, sans the Ferry's. I know your family would have been there had they known. They came as soon as they did, told me that yourself. I get how you and why you tried to hide the abuse baby; it's also why I still get people telling me angelic stories of meeting you to this day. You gave out what you couldn't get, solo warrior; just like me. I meant it when I said that you had kept on top of your plight better than most attorneys I had met. You never gave yourself enough credit my love and when you tried, people overlooked your mind for the anger you were forced to live in your existence and circumstance. I hope you heard me when I told you how beautiful you are, how precious and loved. I hope you did. I think you did, You wrote to me as much. I found that balloon you gave me, the mermaid with the big head, pony tail, dimples and blue hair. I am going to write about the orchid one day when I have the courage to. That one ties in your mom though so it's too much when I think of the pain she is going through.
Magazine is playing by Heart. How very appropriate. Your are the shining Prince inside my head, the Lord of my aristocracy I began creating as a little girl. The part about, "pretty boy sing for us" reminds me of you singing to me and playing your guitar in our living room. You always took me over the edge, always good enough, always just perfect, exactly as you were.
I keep saying I can't imagine how you must have felt finally getting ahead, getting some happy, some peace only to be reminded that you were deteriorating physically and rapidly. I think I can though, at least some, I knew you were dying and we told everyone when you decided to and how you decided to. I hated knowing that. I hated seeing you dying. You wouldn't even put up the bathroom mirror after remodel and I didn't know what to do. I also hope you know and I never brought it up because I thought it was given and simply known, so maybe it was - I never stayed one moment out of pity. I stayed because I LOVE YOU. Not any other reason. I felt crazy even thinking that kind of thing - it just wasn't us. People threw a lot of wild and crazy shit at me after you left and all of my defenses went up - all my warriors, grief stricken were greeted by the ones you sent, keeping me aware and informed. (Thank you.) I know I was acting out some. All that shit made me think, in overdrive, which you know what that is like for me. I was cross examining myself and well, many people know what I am like on cross. I was viciously cut throat upon myself. I often had to tell myself to stand down. Guess what? I passed myself and you were right, it isn't my fault. It isn't the fault of anyone that truly loves you.
I didn't know what to do with all my rage and sudden absence of Faith, Hope, God and Love. I felt our "Squeeze" and that guided me as I stumbled in the pitch blackness. It was the only thing that let me understand I was still alive. Immediately, I tried to work and read my way out. My go to fallback for working and writing to not go crazy - gave some just what they needed to misplace their emotions and fears upon me. How someone could even come up with that is beyond me. I felt like no matter what I did, someone was judging and blaming. VH's Feelin' is on magically at this moment. Feelin' what no one else will ever know I am feelin'... if I had one wish, I'd take it too Sammy.
I can feel you , right here, right now. It's like you are running through my fingers like when we would write together, dream and plan for Our Heaven. Iron Maiden is jamming Hallowed Be Thy Name, the 2015 Remix. I am smiling because I keep seeing you excitedly tell me about Five Finger Death Punch being one of your AD teams battle songs and ICP and all the others. I want you to know I am going to publish my hidden Rock and Roll Aristocracy like we discussed. I can hear Tom Petty in my head saying - Now, you know the ranking, is gonna be the hardest part Virginia, with that shared twinkle in his eye that all you boys I love seem to share. Fuck, I miss your ass!
Ha, that song that I told you my ex-husband #2 chose for his song for me is on - Stranglehold, Ted Nugent! I remember telling you that once, way before we actually got together like we did. You were telling me people you were with "never bought you shit, either - just took and expected". I can still feel the look in your eyes. It was the first time that I ever allowed myself to acknowledge how insulting his choice of song was, (given my interpretation of the song at that time or on it's face as it were), even though it hurt me from the very beginning. I mean I guess that's how a girl goes a decade without a birthday party or a gift, or Christmas, or Valentine's Day or a kiss.... living in oblivion, barely alive, eating her way to someplace.
I made it look really good from the outside all that time then when you looked at me - I KNEW you knew my SOUL. I knew then, you were right, we had met before and before then and before then.
It was certainly 5150 time, we drew the line between them and us.
I keep trying to speak without music and lyrics and art and symbolism but I can't. I know you understood me and I miss that. I miss being understood and being accepted for exactly who I am. Just Didi. I know I said it a lot and I will say it here again - Thank You for loving me.
I better go. I am going to try and update some stuff on our website. Trying to force motivate myself. I am turning everything over to the authorities baby. If I don't I will end up with a ton of bad karma for the revenge and vengeance I force myself, every moment to not think of. Fuck, it would take lifetimes to work off that karma if released. I am going to write it out instead. I try to breathe some and try to figure out how to turn it into Gold and rise from the ashes.
Anne and Nancy are singing LZ's Stairway to Heaven so I am going to chill a minute. I want to feel you, no words.
Ours,
Didi XOXO
No comments:
Post a Comment