They say it is better to have loved...
Are you sure? A French Gentleman asked me that in Australia and I hesitated, losing the arbitration. I have to say that is when I normally lose, the last split second. Tom Petty says that is because I always go down swinging and sometimes- well a girl gets knocked out.
But, I didn't hesitate when you left here. I gave you all of my love, you are my love after all. It was natural and primitive really. I have never fought so hard for anything in my whole life like I fought for yours, personally, professionally, spiritually. You know me - any way you want it that's the way you need it. So, I gave it.
I still lost. We both knew in the end - I lose you, here, all over again. We knew your days were numbered, so why did you cut them shorter? We would have gotten the oxygen approved above Brewer, above Mekota, I would've driven to the White House or camped out on the steps of Congress! You knew that though didn't you? I would have found someone to make your end of life care proper.
I remember when you used to say to me, "Baby, you don't have to say you love me, I know. You know how?" I would always play along and ask how. You would respond, "Because you would stand before God and defend me when no one else will." That's true still. Only now, you have made my job harder fucker! LOL.
I am angry with you though You aren't Corporeal anymore. I can't touch you or feel you or even playfully argue with you. I miss you. I think it is my ego and the soul pain, all mixed up. I mean we finally made it to some happy, man.
You aren't Corporeal anymore. I can't touch you or feel you or even playfully argue with you. I miss you.
Perhaps I am being selfish, but, I miss you, I miss us. Freya misses you too. I am sure Bella does. You are missed by all.
I know you were scared, baby. I was too. I am.
I am glad you can breathe now, I am glad you can sleep. I am so glad you aren't in such debilitating pain anymore Michael. I know you are not only being fed but that you can eat again. I sometimes see you riding your bike across the sky and your hands aren't cramping and your arms aren't paralyzing and seizing up. Your headaches are gone. You aren't gasping for breath and passing out. Your brain is no longer torturing you.
I do hesitate though when I hear someone say that it is better to have loved. I know I wouldn't feel like this had I not allowed myself to accept our love.
They also say that Love conquers all.
I have always subscribed to that. I think I was a charter member in fact. When you left, I demanded a full refund. Covid19 got in the way as did all of your lawsuits and estate shit and people's feelings and prejudices and guilt and horror, it was all going on.
Love made me look like a liar, I felt.
I drove 12K miles, pretty much non-stop. every now and then, I'd have to drag some poor soul with me at times because everyone knew I was trying to find my way back to you. Most people were good to me. I am grateful.
I kept thinking and even asked your mom how Love failed. I asked everyone. Literally everyone, those poor gas station clerks at that Shell near Jill's....
I was rightfully tired of being made to look like a liar on something I had invested my soul in. That was what I was fighting already in this reality via your cases, retaliation for helping you and others had us fighting that war too - the destruction of me and my character. We appear to have stirred up a hidden nest of some individual, angry bees determined to destroy me and all of my evidence to save their own asses, they even went as far as trying to use my service connections against me. The joke is on them, however, because the people you and I helped along the way, all those vets and their families and other warriors are my evidence.
Like I told you, I successfully jumped the chain of command within 2 weeks prior to your extraction. You were happy about that. You said, you didn't even care about the money just the principal. Then, you said it wasn't going to matter because you were dying and would never see the results anyway. I remember that look in your eye and I couldn't figure out for the first time whether it was peace or defeat. After all you were earlier talking about Brewer's voicemail left on your cell phone denying you oxygen. I admit that I was astonished at her actions, knowing what she knew about you as your PCP. How reckless and uncaring. If you were the only veteran I had ever had to defend against her actions it would be one thing, but, we know this is not true. The in-charge is worse, the world knew that when USA TODAY exposed her and Dr. Schneider. Hell, that's how you found out you had been affected by all of that, too!
My sweet soul twin, you were truly the poster boy for just about anything that could wrong in a claim and corresponding health care. I want you to know that the Chain of Command jump has been worth it for all the other affected vets, so far. That one VV, Spec Ops that was ignored for 50 years, the one I told you was like you, just older - well, he got service connected December 2020. Finally. The REAL VA is working on the others too. I am asking for help in getting the imposters held accountable in your memory and for the sake and rights of the all the others. I am 8 months behind and it has been so hard to even begin catching up. All of this emotion. Looking for Hope after you left, well you know Pandora and her box....
Thank you for all of the people you have brought my way that are helping me. It's nice to get past the DSM-V stigmas. I just wish you were here to share it with me. Every time I open the mail and see another vet that was affected getting a fair result, well you know, I cry, whisper a thank you to God and try to be happier. Let Hope breathe.
The day after you died, a man named George Floyd died being unable to breathe too. I was so angry already that I was even angry that the world gave a care about him. I mean here you were, a 3 war combat vet with 26 physical and mental service connections, 35% lung capacity and only 56 years old and fuck, you couldn't breathe either; and just like GF, one or two persons, abusing her power had her knee on your windpipe but left a devastating message on a voicemail like a coward. No one seemed to notice but those that love you.
I really have had quite a time. They haven't corrected your rank back to E6, obviously it was not automatic. I finally got your 2009 to 2017 records to the SSA Judge; she had asked for them directly as SSA already 3 times, to no avail. Thank God for that printed copy we had. I sent it all in, all 18 pounds of it and then I burned what was left, the other 23 pounds of it. I am hoping things work out so the backpay helps your mommy. Please go visit her A LOT. Visit all those allowed and let them know you are okay. Grief has split us all up in so many ways and with so many different beliefs I think some fear you are in Hell. I have tried to explain to them that as a combat vet, you have already been there so that was checked off of your learning list prior to extraction. But, like I said... Grief is a household guest for us all presently and appears to be taking up residence with some. I send them resources to help evict Grief should he decide to stay too long or become aggressive.
I'll be writing you more as time passes here, it helps me in some weird way even though I know you already know these things. I get all of your messages, I think. Thank you. I can't wait to write and share how those made me feel and know the existence of God and after-life, in my worst times. One of the most amazing was in New Orleans, LA. How amazing is your Love for me, even on the other side. My Trust in you has never wavered, you certainly have tested it, however.
Trusting even in Grief, I did what you said and before I went about talking about certain things, I checked in with some Spec Ops folks. I could only find the famous ones so I am certain they wondered about me as I was in a state. However, true to what you said, they would get someone in touch with me that I would know to trust. He has helped a lot. I watched for his action and its derivatives to appear and went down those roads. What I learned is that I can't say much at all about a lot. I miss your directive on such matters. But, like you said, there are always others out there on missions and the slightest bit of information can change everything for them and their safety. Isn't it crazy how tightly such a large web has been weaved?
Therefore, I have decided to write Meindok's Farie Tales and introduce the world to our ImageNation. Our world of warriors. Our way. Alas, Mother #&@#king Michael and his Valkyrie live! I have been writing bios of all of our warriors and they all want their own book, lol. I don't think I will live long enough to write one for them all individually.
I am also going to wrap up these loose end cases. I have decided I won't take anything new. I will just consult and assist. I have some software plans, legislative plans, and a whole vision for VA law and her future to set into motion. Perhaps, if my truth based, fantastical fiction sets off, there will be funding for the other plans I am manifesting. It is a lot of work but since it is for the betterment of mankind and warriors it should be worth the work.
Sometimes, I just want to take Freya to the keys, become a waitress and call myself Victoria and forget this whole life. Something tells me, I have done just that before. So, no repeats.
Your visits to me have made me realize why I am still here. Yeah, I know we had talked of so many other ways this would go down if it went down like it did for you. I guess you changed your mind. You didn't even ask this time. In my dreams you have stated you lied all those times and never would have taken me with you because of some "purpose". If you knew that before, I would have hoped you would have told me. Maybe you didn't and it doesn't matter now really, does it? Just help me with this purpose, okay? Because that night was so weird, that language you spoke, the energy, all of it was surreal. It was like we were speaking different languages and even having different conversations, the stillness makes me wonder if that was the veil building between us. NDE persons state that it happens and sometimes it begins days before a human is removed from Earth and hospice studies back that up. But, that is another letter for another day, my love. I can't stay there too long, I have begun to focus on seeing that Golden Light, YOU escaping from your eyes and mouth in that moment knowing your ears last heard the words stating that you are loved. I hope that didn't get lost in translation as you sought the Light. I know you know, but, I still like to remind you.
Maybe that purpose was to show me how to love myself better, protect myself better, all those things you instilled in me everyday. Maybe I am supposed to figure out that Love does win and it's up to me to practice all that I preach now, but for myself and Freya. Prove it to us.
Perhaps, I am charged with defending Love before God for her razor sharp closeness to the triplets: Anger, Hatred and Revenge, you know the "Hate Gang" leaders. I have been meeting with them regularly, off and on, to evaluate the case against Love. I'm going to take the case, as I an underdog lawyer at heart. I have the world's fiercest cross examiner, jury and judge. Me! Dorothy Dagmar Meindok (Moller). Sorry, I know we talked about that parenthetical but you know Earth, gotta get it in writing - Spirit doesn't have precedence here, yet. Alas,wWe know who we are and what we share in our Soul and Spirit. That's how I know you are here, always - despite that human half of me that keeps yearning for you in the flesh.
I miss you. I LOVE YOU! Let me know you are around like you do, often. My human needs that.
I should be okay and I will finish what we started, all of it. I am finding a way. Funny, that was the first song I ever sent your way - I found a way by First Aide Kit. Remember? Of course you do.
Always yours in Infinity,
Didi XOXO
_________________________________
Kisses and hugs my beautiful angel Blue,
my lips still seek a touch from you.
Sometimes, at night,
a feel a brush, feather light
and my heart explodes at once.
greeted by the Dark
Tears that form hydrate the song
of this Midnight Lark.
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