My dearest Blue -
It's one of those moments. Right now. I miss you so much. You helped me get through those tough and desolate moments that come from helping other vets in their plight against VA, They are so dark sometimes as you knew and know. My energy just flees from the overwhelming reaches of their every decision in our lives as veterans. There is so much control and it is all tied to trust and our mental health.
I always had you to make me stronger and make me laugh when I felt so helpless. I just had you to make me smile. So, I tried to always return the favor, every day. I knew how much you suffered, all the time, every day. I loved to see you smile. What a beautiful smile when you eyes lit up with laughter and peace.
I knew that if you could I surely could, after all, I wasn't terminal and wasn't the poster child for everything that could ever go wrong - VA wise.
I was so content in just knowing you were alive, fighting and had hope. Where did Hope go for you? When she left you, she left me too.
I am trying to make sure you are proud of me, that I am proud of me. Since you left, well, things have been a disaster love bug. I am trying to actively remember all the things you taught me with loving me and trusting me. It is what keeps me alive most days.
I miss you so terribly, my heart crawls to awaken each day, crouching around just looking for you - thinking maybe this is all just a dream. But, i don't think it is. It is a reality I am stuck in - without you. Again.
That longing that was finally quelled when we met, that we spoke of, that scared us because being together removed that large chunk we had gotten so used to personally that without it, we were confused for a while - with one another. I still remember the day we both accepted each other fully. Those last months were BEAUTIFUL. Thank you. I know PEACE exists now, so I am off to find it and find you again. I will find you again. I mean I know you are here in spirit and with me always even when my grief prevents me from feeling you or hearing you. It's that KNOWING that we spoke of, that only you and I share with each other.
I am sad that when you left you must have felt trapped. Many psychics have told me you wanted to change your mind and that your thumb got caught at the last minute. I hope they are right. I want to believe that they are.
You hurt and suffered so much and I think that once we got to "happy" a little bit and started speaking of a future, making plans, it became glaringly apparent that you were still terminally ill.
I noticed how you slowed down, I heard the things you told me about not being able to breathe or move your body anymore. It was so hard to watch you dying my love. I tried so hard not to show it and be strong for you because if anyone was suffering - you were the most.
I am so sorry the VA and our government reacted so poorly and so clandestinely on all of your cases. I worked as hard and as fast as I could and fought all of their created chaos from Chicago RO and Iowa City VAMC. It has been so hard with my own PTSD to not take revenge outright, on those that I know are personally responsible. So hard, to trust that God will do so for me and save me a death penalty and prison. I am so angry because all they needed to do was let you at least die in peace. I cannot get over Brewer calling herself a doctor, knowing your case and then leaving a VOICEMAIL message to a dying and suffering veteran denying oxygen and end of life care when that veteran is 100% disabled and terminally ill due to war exposures. Who the fuck does she think she is? She has mistreated veterans over and over. I expect she will get her just desserts eventually and I know she will remember your name when that time comes. I have had to my evil warriors in lock up lest they act as they would want to.
I often think that had we met in person younger and angrier things would have been worse for the world. I remember our conversations about it and watching Natural Born Killers. I do think we might have been uncontrollably dangerous. Maybe this lifetime, we knew better and met up later in life. Different issues, different problems, same eternal love.
I will break our patterns of past lifetimes and we will jump the 8 to 9; wait for me, visit often and I will try to control my grief so I can hear and feel you. we have books to write and things to correct, like your legacy and your name.
I love and miss you here in this dimension and I will carry on with our mission. I will keep my anger at bay and raise consciousness of the whole, our twin purpose. I will see you sooner than later in the 4th, 5th or 6th.
Enjoy traveling my love, and visit your Mom, Dad and siblings often. They need you badly right now, Help them understand, visit them in dreams and even appear if you can muster it, the energy. I will do what I can to strengthen that energy from here.
As always, I am yours as you are mine.
Eternally,
Didi XO
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